Sometimes the shuddering of the wind outside my window motivates me.
On days like today, where I feel helplessly down, I like to open up all my windows and curtains and let in the outside world. There’s something soothing in feeling wind inside our little space. Makes me feel like I am already moving. Makes it feel like it easier to move.
One of the most terrible effects depression and depressive moods have on people is the ability to draw out their energy. It feels like it escapes through every pore of your being filtering through the command center: the brain. And here is where I dawdle.
But my favorite time of day gives me hope. When I can see the tree leaves shaking under the sunlight, it reminds me that small things are beautiful. Cheery even. And it doesn’t ask anything of me. I simply just choose to accept it.
My head is feeling a bit lighter.
After talking to Sam, I feel much lighter. We talked and I felt more reassured. There are some days where I just feel hopeless and down. That’s the lightest way I can say it.
And I also thought about how sore I feel.
Yesterday we worked out together for the first time in a while. Just something small to get me started back up again – arms and core. Mostly core. The working out didn’t last longer than 25 minutes, warm-up included.
It felt good. It felt good to be working out even though I could tell that I’ve grown tremendously weak since I’ve stopped working. My previous job as a truck unloader did much to keep me in some shape, but we just stopped working out regularly.
Thinking back to that time, which is a year ago now, I don’t think I appreciated what all that working out did for me. I was once capable of more and it was fun in a very exhausting way. I’d like to get back to that.
My body just felt right after last night. Like that feeling of going on a long hike through some beautiful scenery after rejecting nature for months. My lungs may have been a bit clearer (dern allergies!) but that elation after physically pushing your body to its limit is perfection.
All those endorphins running through your body. It felt great to lay on the floor all spread out just taking deep breaths in.
One of Sam’s coworkers came over this weekend and brought over his recording equipment. He had wanted to make a video for a while with Sam.
It was the first time I had seen a video capture device and a fancy mic in person. Very exciting. I ended up joining in because I couldn’t find a way to really enjoy myself without saying anything.
In the end, we had fun I think. Sam was pretty tired after it all but I thought he did a good job recording for his first time.
Now that I hear the crickets and my eyes are rough and dry, I think I will lay myself down to just try and take it easy.